Radio Curmudgeon

logo Hey there guys and gals and all my pals - your ol' Curmudgeon here - back again and filling your airwaves with the sounds that abound - floppin' the flips and hoppin' the hits - spinnin' the platters to make you feel gladder (and for all you kids out there too young to know - by platters - I mean the black vinyl disks that emit sounds with a needle stuck in their groove - and which play on both sides - and not the 50's doo-wop group that scored a major hit with "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes"). Curmudgeon has been burning up the speed dial on his radio settings just for you - so you don't have to - and he's glad to share his incessant pattering with the bemused and lonesome listeners out there with their ears up to the radio speaker.

Radio Towers This one goes out to Betty in Kalamazoo - who despite her magnificent figure (photo available upon request) has been unable to find a date to the prom due to the simple fact that she was born without a face. I ask you - what's a poor girl to do? Linda Lou in Portland admits to a similar although opposing problem in that she has had to beat off the suitors (so to speak) since she had her brain surgically removed and implanted in her chest. What a couple of swell gals, huh fellows? Let's send ňem out a bit of good will - like how ňbout that new John Mayer song. I'm not saying I'm not a fan, but˛ sounds pretty good with some nice little guitar work. Not too original or challenging, but hey we're just havin' fun, right?

Benny on the car phone says he's a lonely guy. Welcome to the club, Benny. There're a lot of us out there, my friend. Have you tried raising tropical fish? Ted says he's angry. Well, me too, slugger. Let's just throw that new REM song on the bleatbox and have a go. Hmmm upbeat, harder edged than the somnambulant "Up", but what's that you say - "It's the End of the World as we Know it" (again)? Well then how about the new Jane's Addiction single - now that one gets the heart a pumpin'. Oh˛ PIL circa late 80's. Guess we'll move on.

Sheryl Crow covering Cat Stevens - now there's a concept - NOT. Rod the mod singin' the standards? Naw˛ Hey let's all skip Guyville and hit the Liz Fair - yee gawd no! Dave Matthews, Rufus Wainright, yet another faceless, yowling, yuppie folk-singer? Let's take a station break, as Curmudgeon is confused.

You're listening to MusiCurmudgeon Radio - all the hits all the time whether you like it or not. Just like a hammer to the head - when we take it away you'll miss it - because we play the songs you want to hear - whether you want to hear them or not - and we play them over and over and over˛ FOREVER (take it away Jean Paul Sartre).

(cue commercial)

Kids have you thought about your future? Like how're you gonna pay for that college education you so desperately need to join our slaveforce - especially with all the budget cuts WE have initiated? Well get off the pot and get on the scooter, Scooter, and join the SuperSoldiers. Those foreign creeps hit us unaware with their sneaky attack - makes you mad don't it? - so now we're gonna' go hit somebody, anybody. Endorsed by Arnold and Adolf - the SS will give you training with neat toys like snazzlefrazzles, orkysnorkies, big ships and guns! (cool!) And don't worry about spending too much time away from your loved ones - we guarantee every body will come home, and we send several back every week. So if you wanna earn decent coin, enjoy takin' orders, and especially get into hittin' people - we gots the career for you. (Young people with rich parents need not apply)

I'm back and I ain't talkin' whack, but by golly, Molly I ain't able to get up from under the table. This DJ-ing is hard and scary too. I lied earlier - I'm not spinnin' no discs. They make me push buttons and songs automatically come up precorded. I have no say in what I play, and that's no lie - makes me want to cry. Makes me wonder what I do this for. I used to dream of a radio station where I could play Gershwin and Metallica and the Kingston Trio and Red Hot Chili Peppers and Anton Bruckner and the New York Dolls all in a row. Where I could slip an album cut in, or a foreign artist, or an obscure one and blow people's minds. Radio for the world - for the people - radio about music.

What's that? No, I won't. You can't make me... Bzzzzzzzzzz....

Radio silence

(click) This is the MusiCurmudgeon again reminding you to obey all laws and accept what WE say and play. Gotta go now people - you've been a wonderful audience - hope you tune in next time - now sit tight for the following commercial message˛

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