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I love Christmas so much
I could shit

A John Waters Christmas
Turner Hall
Milwaukee, WI
Dec. 12, 2007
John Waters John Waters Lavender Diamond

Story by Andrea Jenels
Live photos by Katharine Reilly
Publicity photos

With a name like Lavender Diamond, one could assume the opening act for John Waters would entail scantily clad foul-mouthed drag queens and raunchy humor. But the audience at the newly renovated Turner Ballroom was instead treated to the angelic music of a folk/psychedelic /pop quartet hailing from Los Angeles. Lead singer Rebecca Stark's voice floated across the theatre with a dreamlike quality that could be compared to that of Nico during her Velvet Underground days...without the German accent of course. Beginning their performance with the lyrics "I'll never stop a bullet - but a bullet might stop me" Lavender Diamond bewitched the audience with their quirky yet inviting ambiance.John Waters Dressed for the holidays in a knee length white ballerina dress laced with sequins and a gold sash, Stark merrily warmed the audience with her witty flower-power humor and enigmatic lyrics. Choosing to sit on floor instead of a chair, she belted songs from their newly released album, Imagine Our Love, with a celestial like quality. After wooing the audience for 45 minutes, Lavender Diamond ended to a now roused audience awaiting the ever-eccentric Mr. Waters to take the stage.

After a brief intermission, the king of peculiarity was welcomed by enthusiastic Milwaukeeans. John Waters started out by apologizing in advance for potentially offending anyone with his vulgarity. He went on to recall memories of himself and the late Divine, as teenage delinquents writing bad checks at antique stores and stealing the Unicef money to supply presents for family and friends. One of Water's most animated Christmas stories was about the year the Christmas tree fell on top of Grandma. His first thought that came to mind?...Hoping none of his presents were crushed. He went on to tell how he hand writes hundreds of Christmas cards every year to family and friends. However, if he ever happens to come across one up for auction on ebay, not only will that be the last time they receive it, but the culpable will also be un-invited to his annual Christmas party. Needless to say, the festivities consist of an eccentric mix including drag queens, the singing ass-hole guy from Pink Flamingos, and even his mother.

He went on to express his thoughts on giving and receiving gifts. Unsurprisingly, porno is John Waters gift of choice, to receive that is. But he made it clear that he is not all that impressed with the recent stylings of the adult film industry. With disdain for extreme blowjobs and reality porn, he seems to still have a rather old fashioned taste when it comes to anything film. He filled the theatre with laughter as he recalled one movie he recently saw on the shelf, "If These Balls Could Talk". Donning red velvet pants and his signature pencil thin moustache, Waters touched on other subjects like the upcoming elections and favoring the democrats in order to protect gay rights. Religion was also a target for the contentious comedian. One could only expect so much from a man who told of leaving his worst enemies "top tankers", an unmentionable present left in the top tank of a toilet for lingering effects. Waters closed the evening with an open Q&A session from the audience letting his fans probe on his future plans as a writer and director. With a new movie to begin filming in 2008, he is taking a step back to his "Hairspray" days with a kid-friendly movie starring his good pal Johnny Knoxville. Seemingly content in his life at the age of 61, Waters has not lost one bit of sarcasm or quirkiness that created his own brand of cult phenomenon. And as the holidays approach and you have your own dysfunctional family to deal with and you need a laugh, just remember these words by John Waters,"I love Christmas so much I could shit."

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